Ramblings on selfishness

i have been thinking a lot about selfishness lately and i started this blog to help me process some of my recurring thoughts, so here we go. i know it's not news to anyone that i am deeply selfish, nor is it probably surprising that you are too. however, it has been on my mind a lot lately because this second child is helping to drive it out of me. sometimes i think the new business that i have been experiencing with two little ones makes me cling to my time and my hobbies and my identity, making my complete and utter self-centeredness all the more obvious. i have always loved this beautiful portion of scripture from Isaiah 58:

If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing finger; and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of the streets to dwell in.

in her wonderful book Let Me Be a Woman Elisabeth Elliot says this about these verses:
"Here, I think, lies the answer to...a life that might otherwise be selfish or lonely. It is the answer, I have found, to depression as well. You yourself will be given light in exchange for pouring yourself out for the hungry; you yourself will get guidance, the satisfaction of your longings, and strength when you "pour yourself out," when you make the satisfaction of somebody else's desire your own concern; you yourself will be a source of refreshment, a builder, a leader in healing and rest at a time when things around you seem to have crumbled."

"pouring yourself out" most certainly looks different in various seasons, but for me right now that looks like being a servant in my marriage. joyfully caring for my precious, but very dependent, wiggle worms. i'm not talking about mustering up within myself the ability to do good things for others and gritting my teeth against my selfishness. i'm talking about depending on my great Savior to continue to sanctify me as He enables me to not "grow weary in doing well." sure my sin is great, but Jesus is greater to continually change me from the inside out. as He works on my heart, my actions, words, thoughts change too.

i feel like i have the best husband ever and i tell him that, but he also bears the brunt of much of my selfishness working itself out. i wrongly accused him of something ridiculous recently and was deeply convicted the next day of my selfishness. he graciously forgave me as i wept a pathetic apology. all that to say, those closest to us see our selfishness most...for the marrieds, that's your spouse. in closing, mark driscoll talks about selfishness in marriage and relationships.